Photo by Isabella Bonvissuto Photography
There’s this weird phenomenon in motherhood. You’re pressured to have kids and oh, you better like it. Don’t complain. You were made for this, it’s a part of who you are. I beat myself up for months after having my child because the joy of motherhood did not come naturally for me.
I started seeing a therapist in 2019 to help me through a lot of my anxiety, among other things. One of the first things she identified in me was guilt. Mainly, a lot of mom guilt. I had heard of mom guilt before but I didn’t recognize it in myself.
When I became a mom, everybody kept telling me how great it is and how blessed I am. It made me feel crazy and ungrateful when I couldn’t relate to those feelings, I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong. I felt like I was drowning.
I know I’m blessed to be able to have a child of my own, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Should it mean my child has to be the center of everything I want? This is how the mom guilt starts. This is how we get trapped into thinking our value is in our ability to put everything into being a mom.
I’ve spent a lot of time feeling guilty and feeling like I didn’t fit the motherhood mold. A mold that generally doesn’t fit moms who prioritize their life as an individual, over their identity as a mother. Maybe motherhood looks different for everyone. Mothers need to be free to decide what it looks like as individuals.
We have to be able to say we are not content with motherhood alone. We have to be able to say that you know what, “Today I am dreaming of my pre child life apartment and my pre child life marriage”. We have to be real about where we are on this journey. We have to acknowledge the mess that comes with the blessing.
I love my son and I’m so lucky to get to be his mom. If you’ve ever met him or seen his smile across the room, you know I’m lucky. But I’m determined not to paint a picture of my life that isn’t true. I have moments of misery because my son won’t stop screaming and then an hour later I feel a rush of joy when he hugs me. What a roller coaster of emotions. We are bound to fall off the ride some days
Have grace for yourself if you have days of wanting something different, feeling out of place, and don’t know what the heck you’re doing. Please know that you’re not alone; motherhood and parenthood in general can be lonely. If we were honest, we’d see that we all want to run away sometimes. It’s okay.
My challenge for you is to find space for yourself. Prioritize your own well being in a society that tells you as a parent, you are not the priority. Get child care and go out without your kid. Do that thing that gave you so much life that you used to have time for before you were chasing a toddler. Take yourself to a movie or a coffee shop. Lock your door with a bottle of wine and an episode of your favorite show. Whatever it is, make it happen. Plan it out, plan ahead, whatever it takes.
I am a better mother and I enjoy being a mother more because I can be honest about when I need a break. Once a night every week, I leave my husband home with our son to do bath time and put him to bed. I’m not sorry. I don’t feel guilty because I feel refilled. My husband does the same. It’s healthy, and it’s necessary.
Motherhood does not have to be all or nothing. Motherhood does not mean you are not important anymore. You have needs, you have dreams. I believe the best way moms can show up for their kids is to show up for themselves. Show your child the importance of taking care of yourself so that one day they value themselves enough to do the same.
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