My word for 2019 was honesty. When I chose that word, I saw it more in the light of being more honest with others. I had no idea how honest I’d get with myself.
2019 taught me a lot about myself and showed me who I really want to be. It taught me that the most honest version of me would never look like the public version of someone else.
Honesty showed up in hard conversations where I was able to speak my truth, but also hear hard truths about myself. One of the hardest things I got honest about was that I had absolutely no confidence.
I have a hard time trusting myself. If you struggle with anxiety, you might be able to relate. I can’t tell if my decisions are rational or just me being afraid.
I have a hard time believing that I am capable. The weirdest things stick with you. Moments of feeling the weight of failure have led me to years of feeling weak. Adding up the outcomes of hindsight, I don’t even want to try.
Looking forward into 2020, I want to grow into myself with confidence. Confidence means a lot of different things to different people in different situations. For me, confidence means freedom and grace.
Freedom comes when you give up your fight for control. Not just control over your own life, but control over everyone else in your life. It’s so easy to base your decisions and ideas on the people around you. You never want to feel like the odd one out. You never want to feel judged. How crazy is it that some of us push away our biggest dreams, to keep other people comfortable? We stay in jobs, relationships, and cities because we think it’s what we’re supposed to do. This year, I want to be free in my vision. I want to be free to make choices that are different because they are a reflection of me.
Grace is what happens when you give yourself room to mess up. Grace is the aftermath of a mistake. Or at least you’d hope so. Grace is a concept that I’ve put into practice in relationship with others. I have a hard time extending it to myself. I hate when I mess up. I hate having to say sorry. I hate when I have to tell someone I was wrong (I’m usually right, right?) But if I allow myself confidence, I’ll know grace is there for me. This year, I will make mistakes and it’ll be okay.
I don’t anticipate a monumental 2020 where nothing goes wrong and my life becomes perfect. I’m assuming there will be a lot of moments that challenge my direction of growth. In the failures, in the excitement, and even in the mundane I’m confident in my becoming. This year I want to love the mess as much as I love the beauty. 2019 ended with a lot of risks for me, so 2020 feels like a good time to be confident.
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