There’s a certain magic in being lost that you don’t feel until you’ve found your way again. Today, I thank God for letting me be lost because of everything I’ve found along the way. Before, I thought I would never find a version of myself I could really love again until now, I’ve found the truest version of myself. I want to live as this person all the time, without a doubt that I’m here with purpose. I’ve decided to not let my dreams be controlled by fear, it’s time to live fully.
I don’t remember when I became such an anxious person, but it spiked to an all time high when I found out I was pregnant. At the time, I was doing hair for next to nothing, painting, and getting ready to create a self care blog. When a baby came into the picture, I had to be logical. I had to think about money and time, all those things people tell you are important. They are important, but God is bigger and somehow I completely cut him out.
I went to church, listened to worship music, even talked about Jesus and how much he's provided for my family. Isn’t it crazy how easily we forget about Him when our focus becomes ourselves? When will the two go hand in hand? Anyway, I cut everything out that didn’t make me money and with that I lost a lot of time. I think I could’ve gone on that way forever, I could’ve put my head down and played it safe. But God called me out.
A lot of times when you’re searching for a sign, everything becomes a sign. You know, seek and you will find. Well, everything started to signal to me. The signs all said in one way or the other “breathe easy and step out in faith, you were never in control and you’ve never been left alone.” With every day, I began to feel more empowered and less afraid. When I set my mind on God as my provider, I felt my fear crumble against my faith.
I decided to do whatever it would take to pick up where I left off painting and doing hair. God came through in a big way! When I thought I would need two jobs to make these dreams of mine work, He provided me with a job doing hair where I make exactly what I need and have flexible hours to still be able to paint and spend time with my family. I was also able to create this space to share my art pieces and writing, with the support and encouragement of my family and friends.
I’m here because I want to fight for faith in a world that convinces us to give in to fear. I have spent the majority of my life being afraid; it was a fear fueled by thoughts of incompetence and what other people might think of me. Fear that if I don’t do what is logical...well, everyone makes it seem like the opposite of logic is failure. I will never fail because I will always try, and that for me is faith winning over my instinct of fear.
This space for me is where I fight my urge to cower. I can be nervous and have doubts, but I'll do it anyway. I’m always going to ask the “what if” questions, after all, I’m an enneagram type 6 and I still think it’s good to think things through. Instead of thinking with only yourself in mind, think of your situation and your dreams with faith in mind. Take your desires and dreams to God, see what He does with them. Here is where my dreams meet faith, where I feel the magic in the seeking.
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